You find me hunched over the ironing board in the kitchen and thinking dark thoughts about Mrs Bertha Berman.
Tell me honestly, is there any more soul-destroying occupation known to womankind than the ironing and attempted folding of fitted bed sheets? Well, Mrs B is the lady to blame.
One day in 1959, somewhere in America, she was cursing her poor, inoffensive non-fitted sheet because it wouldn’t stay attached to her mattress – perhaps because the Bermans wriggled a lot at night. Anyway, she fitted a piece of elastic to each corner and the world of bed sheets has never been the same since that moment.
My mood is not improved by a strange noise coming from the sitting room. About five minutes ago, Mr Dear took delivery of two fig rolls and a mug of hot chocolate. He is now sitting in his favourite armchair, playing his ukulele, and pretending he is George Formby. In his best impression of a Lancashire accent, he sings:
Look at Empress Josephine, the most attractive woman that ever was seen
Yet Napoleon, short and fat, captivates a lovely looking dame like that
Now if women like them like men like those
Why don’t women like me?
Continue reading your story on the app
Continue reading your story in the magazine
Our easy cushion ideas will inspire you to transform your sofa from bland to fab in a flash!
THE ROBOT'S redemption
Was Sally's house guest really to be trusted?
The woman on the ELEPHANT
She and her husband shared so many happy memories, but now it was over – wasn't it?
The Italian INFLUENCE
It was just a dress – but its effect on Anne would change everything
Take it EASY
This collection of slowly simmered stews and sharing dishes is perfect for weekend cooking, to help you to slow down and relax with friends
The hot news on HEALTH
Nutritionist Lyndsey Heffernan reveals the real health benefits of spicing up your food
Set and MATCH
Using yarn held double, our cosy hat and scarf will knit up quickly
Jean found Clive charming and attractive - until she learnt the truth
Discovering treasures UNDERGROUND
Sightseeing in Britain is a popular pursuit, but don’t forget there are also some extraordinary things to find under our feet
Coping with A FALL
As we grow older, we’re increasingly at risk of falling and injuring ourselves