Are you saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’, avoiding confrontation and putting the needs of others above your own? Being a chronic people-pleaser could be affecting your mental and physical wellbeing – it’s time to quit.
Ever been told you’re ‘so nice’? It’s a compliment, right? Well, yes – as long as you’re not too nice. Agreeableness itself isn’t the problem, says Renée Tobin, a psychology professor at Illinois State University. People who get along with others tend to do well in life. But when you sacrifice your happiness to keep others happy, it can become a problem. ‘Trouble can arise if niceness is driven by insecurity, or if people suppress their negative emotions, which can manifest itself as ill health,’ she says.
Being a nice-a-holic is something women in particular struggle with. ‘We’re socialised to feel responsible for the feelings and wellbeing of those around us,’ says Julie de Azevedo Hanks, PhD, a licensed clinical social worker and author of The Assertiveness Guide for Women.
‘It’s all about fear, really,’ says Dr Mark Hyman, founder and medical director of the Ultra Wellness Center in Lenox, Massachusetts, and a self-confessed nice-a-holic (and proof that it’s not an inherently female problem). ‘Being nice and saying “yes” when I mean “no”, or not telling people when I’m disappointed, or not holding them accountable for things they agreed to, at work or in my personal life, causes me all sorts of problems. First, it makes me unhappy, sleep poorly, angry and irritated, and the stress it causes me makes me feel tired and icky…When I’m not honest, I create a war within myself and create conflict around me. I deprive myself, and everyone around me, of authentic, profound relationships.’
This story is from the April 2017 edition of Fairlady.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 8,500+ magazines and newspapers.
Already a subscriber ? Sign In
This story is from the April 2017 edition of Fairlady.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 8,500+ magazines and newspapers.
Already a subscriber? Sign In
Easter with edge
Grant knows what it's like to miss out on the celebrations that anchor family life.
The MALE bias
Historically, medical studies were mainly done on male mice and on men; and then extrapolated to treat women, as if a female body were just a smaller version of a male one. Here’s why that doesn’t make sense, and how to work with your body’s natural rhythm for better health.
Wellbeing
How to sleep better, feel better and look better!
The other type of CHEATING
Lies about money can have devastating consequences in a relationship.
THE 'PEST' IN PESTICIDES
oe r Despite many highly Hs hazardous pesticides being banned in their countries of origin, 192 of them are still legally exported to South Africa
START A BUSINESS LIKE a Saffer
There's nothing quite like a South African entrepreneur. In the face of adversity, they innovate and persevere. But what fuels that determination? We chatted to some self-starters to find out.
How to take the MONOTONY OUT OF MONOGAMY
It's easy to get complacent in a long-term relationship. Before you know it, your partner is little more than your roommate. Here's how to shake things up.
SUPER TROUPER
At one point, Josie Borain was the most famous model in the world. Her face was on every magazine that mattered. And in the madness of all that attention, she never lost her sense of self. She talks to us about turning 60, being single, and starting her third act with a move to the platteland.
Little wonder
Over the years we have visited 16 Greek islands, but when we first set foot on Halki, the little-known gem just south of Rhodes, we knew we'd found the closest thing to the perfect one. And we vowed to return. Often.
HOME AFFAIRS
These three entrepreneurs are redefining the heartbeat of homes through their unique blend of creativity, sustainability and purposeful design.
