I learned about my mother’s disappearance from the evening news. I looked up from my textbook when I overheard my surname and recognised the exact cypress tree that grew outside my bedroom window. From that point on, my life turned into a stream of simple equations. How long my mother had been missing (one day). How long since I’d had an actual conversation with her (just over a year). The cost of a bus ticket back to Coeur du Lac, my adopted hometown ($15). The amount left in my bank account after spending fifteen dollars ($110.67). How doomed I would be if I abandoned Chicago for longer than three nights (very: I had four exams looming within the next few weeks).
For a while, I lost myself in these calculations and the illusion of stability they offered. This was my standard coping mechanism: turn everything into problems on a checklist to be neatly solved, then filed away. If I pulled it off just right, I could focus on the question of how many pairs of jeans to pack (three) and keep my panic at bay.
But when I arrived back in Coeur du Lac, Illinois – Heart of the Lake, with no lake and no discernible heart – I stood in front of the shell of my childhood home in the balmy twilight, and everything in me crumpled. Something bad had happened here. Something bad had happened again, and this time it involved my mother.
The footage on the news and the photos in the papers hadn’t prepared me. The wreaths of yellow caution tape around the porch railings looked weirdly festive, like an interrupted birthday party. The porch still stood, but a narrow gash through the living room wall exposed blackened brick, hanging guts of insulation, snaky wires. The rest of the house looked more or less the same. That was almost worse: the untouched parts. I took a deep, shuddering breath.
This story is from the August 2021 edition of Australian Women’s Weekly NZ.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 8,500+ magazines and newspapers.
Already a subscriber ? Sign In
This story is from the August 2021 edition of Australian Women’s Weekly NZ.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 8,500+ magazines and newspapers.
Already a subscriber? Sign In
Spotlight on Vitamin D
Sunlight is the best source of vitamin D, but safe sun exposure is still essential.
Coming up roses
Driven by a renewed interest in the flower’s power, a rose renaissance is dawning.
'I was given a 5% chance of survival'
When Caroline Laner Breure was hit by a car in an horrific accident on a Spanish holiday with her boyfriend, her body and her dreams were shattered. Somehow she found the will to go on living.
Time to celebrate our mothers
Author Kathy Lette gives a heartfelt thank you to her magnificent mum, Val - a baker of fairy cakes with the patience of a saint.
"I am lucky to be here" ”
Since the day she walked onto the MasterChef Australia set back in 2009, Julie Goodwin has openly shared her life. But in writing a memoir, she had to examine the demons she'd battled privately... until now.
JAMIE OLIVER at your service
Returning to the set of MasterChef Australia to help steer a path through grief and spread happiness, the celebrity chef is also at a turning point - he opens up about failure, love, second chances and his endless reservoir of joie de vivre.
From one mum to another
Princess Catherine's public announcement struck a chord with mum-of-two Jane Gillard. She shares her story of parenting through cancer- and offers hope for the princess and mums navigating their own health journey while raising primary-aged kids.
The courage of Princess Catherine "You are„, not alone"
It was a rare personal address that she shouldn’t have had to make. But with conspiracy theories swirling and the slimmed-down “Firm” under fire, Princess Catherine silenced critics with searing courage and dignity.
THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE
When Tracy Hall fell for Max Tavita, she fell for a mirage. Max was a false identity created by a con man, and Tracy was the latest in a long line of women whose life savings hed stolen.
Amother's GIFT
In December last year, Australia’s first uterus transplant recipient, Kirsty Bryant, gave birth to Henry, a happy, healthy baby boy. The uterus that had made this little miracle possible had been donated by her mother, Michelle. Five months later, their first Mother’s Day since Henry’s birth feels especially precious.