PLAYBOY ADVISOR
Playboy South Africa|February 2020
Shan Boodram, clinical sexologist, YouTube star and author of The Game of Desire, taps her followers and offers unflaggingly positive advice to a woman who can’t stop thinking about sex, a guy who can’t get women to like him and others whose dilemmas may just be your own
Shan Boodram
Q: Is it normal to think about sex 24/7? I’m a 28-year-old woman who just got her master’s degree and is playing the field while praying for a future partner — and I honestly feel that I’m addicted to sex. It just naturally seeps into my thoughts no matter what I’m doing, even at the most inappropriate times. When I envision my future partner, he’s just as much of a freak as I am! Are there other men and women out there who feel the same things?—T.G.

A: We are all so much alike! The details may vary, but the root questions are pretty much the same: Am I normal? Am I worthy of being loved? Based on what you describe, the answer to both those questions is “Hell yes!” But if you’re worried about your relationship with sex, ask yourself these questions: Is my sex drive in conflict with local laws? Has my sex drive blatantly impeded my progress in other areas of life? Is my sex drive often a point of moral contention in my relationships? If you answered yes to any of these, it might be a good idea to speak to a licensed professional — not because you’re an addict per se but because balance isn’t easy. If you answered no to all three, and you find that sex is by and large a joyful part of your life, just know that I’ve never met a single human being who claimed their sex life, libido, desires, opinions or beliefs were perfect. We are all trying to find love, make connections, grow, have some orgasms and make peace with ourselves (in no particular order). That said, there is absolutely a partner out there for you who can match your physical drive and meet your emotional qualifications; you just have to be intentional in finding him. As a woman who just completed her master’s, you already get the formula: Know who you are, know where you fit best and immerse yourself in that community so you can align with like minds in the areas that matter to you the most.

Q: I’m a man in his 30s and have been in a relationship with someone I deeply love for two years. I recently met another woman who’s cool and works in the same industry as I do. We got together for coffee a couple of weeks after meeting, and we’ve been texting ever since — maybe it’s just friendly, maybe it’s a little bit flirty. I still haven’t told her I have a girlfriend, and it’s starting to feel weird. On one hand, I don’t want to assume she likes me “that way.” On the other, I feel I’m being dishonest with her and especially with my girlfriend. Where do I go from here?—S.P.,

A: First, know that scenarios like this will come up on both sides. I highly encourage you to discuss it with your partner, because at the end of the day, having a second person to navigate the complexities of life with is the joy of being in a relationship! Why is it that in romantic connections we accept that we have to share the undersides of our humanity (poop horror stories, credit drama, morning breath and all), but when it comes to our natural drive to desire and be desired by others, we all want our partners to believe we’re superhuman?

Well, as it turns out, you’re not made of steel — so don’t be afraid to admit that to your girlfriend and ask for guidance on how to manage both the situation and your feelings. As for the other woman, you already know the answer to this: Yeah, you should bring it up, but I also think your senses are correct. Instead of making it a cautionary statement, look for a casual way to insert it into the conversation.

Q: I recently started dating a person who’s transitioning and has bottom dysmorphia. They were born with female parts, and as a female I thought I would be able to better figure out their body, but it’s daunting right now because they feel weird about their genitals, and I don’t know how to navigate. How can I get to know my partner and their body in a way that will make us both feel comfortable?—J.M.,

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