Neil Before God

Each issue, Esquire Singapore asks Neil Humphreys to focus on a different emotion. This time it’s guilt as he misses the comparative innocence of ’80s porn and laments the disturbing impact of online sites today

Being tall was an asset for the British pornography enthusiast in the 1980s. Being tall granted access to the ‘top-shelfers’, those unobtainable objects of desire kept on the top shelves of every newsagent in Britain.

They remained out of sight of children and most teenagers, but well within range of older men, who popped into the corner shop periodically to buy a newspaper, a packet of breath mints and anything else that might obscure that lurid publication buried inside the brown paper bag.

The magazines had daft names like Big and Bouncy and Wet and Wild. At least, I think they did. The memory blurs, so I’m not entirely sure if they were the actual titles or an ad campaign for Wild Wild Wet in Pasir Ris.

But Big and Bouncy was beyond the reach of regular sized teenagers, stacked discreetly with the other ‘topshelfers’, away from prying eyes and hormonal groins. And then there was the alarm system, which came in the shape of a jovial, but no-nonsense shopkeeper, who watched a prepubescent arm stretch for the top shelf and shouted: “Piss off, you pervert. I know your mother.”

But puberty proved to be my gateway to the top shelf and its previously forbidden fruits. Parts of my body dropped, namely my arms, which grew so quickly that passers-by often expected a quick chorus of King Louie’s I Wanna Be Like You.

I could now reach the top shelf. The orang-utan physique, which repelled teenage girls, became a desirable asset among teenage boys, who had a freakish friend with access to Big and Bouncy material.

In truth, the content was a bit of an anti-climax, with photo spreads typically involving women with no bras washing cars. (They used far too much detergent. They had no chance of getting those soapy streaks off the car’s bodywork.)