Is Contempt Killing Your Marriage?

Experts have described it as a major factor in separation and divorce. So how can you stop contempt creeping in and ruining your relationship?

- Sarah Marinos

Contempt can be deep-rooted and destructive. But often, it seeps into a relationship unnoticed. Marriage experts have described it as a key contributor to divorce. But do you know what contempt looks like? Would you know how to recognise it if it emerged between you and your husband?

Disrespect, mocking behaviour, cruel humour, coldness, dismissiveness, put-downs, sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling and sneering – all these behaviours signify contempt. Where there is contempt, it means you see yourself as being better than your partner, says consultant psychologist Dr Adrian Wang from Gleneagles Medical Centre. “You start thinking you deserve better, and this leads to resentment and frustration, which sets up a vicious cycle of more contempt and disrespect," he says. "Communication breaks down, and you start becoming defensive and judgmental.”

Contempt is usually accompanied by a couple becoming critical and defensive and this eats away at goodwill. “There comes a point when the person at the end of the contempt has experienced it so often that they turn away and you can’t turn back,” says psychologist Sue Pratt.

Contempt can be learned through family relationships – so if parents or a loved one use contempt we mirror that because that’s how we think relationships work. It may also stem from a sense of power and entitlement, or is used to gain control over someone or a situation.

“When there's contempt in a marriage, what you bring to the relationship is reduced because your partner is saying whatever you say; need or feel is of no consequence,” says Sue.

How to Stop it!

Contempt has such a devastating effect on a relationship that once you recognise it, you really need to stop it in its tracks. Here are some ways forward: