Joan Juliet Buck explores how her grandmother’s one regret came to shape her own history of romantic entanglements.
In the bar of Badrutt’s Palace Hotel in St. Moritz shortly before New Year’s Eve 1965, the dazzling British wife of a famous German baron turned to my grandmother and asked her, “If you had your life to live over, what would you do differently?” My grandmother, Nana to me, Esta to others, pulled herself up in a big black dress with the good diamond brooch so as to be a little less short, a little less fat, and rolled her beautiful green eyes to the ceiling the way she had when she was a model. She was nearing 70, seven years the widow of my unreliable grandfather, the only husband she’d ever had. She pursed her lips, and said at last—the suspense had silenced our side of the bar—“I’d have done everything the same, but I’d have been fast.”
In the language of her youth, “fast” meant loose. As a fast woman, Nana would have many lovers instead of years of patience rewarded by the occasional good diamond. I was 16, old enough to feel her longing for missed adventures, young enough to imagine that if I lived the life she craved, I would have no regrets. I’d dance through life with different men, and know love the way poor Nana never had.
My parents had left Hollywood for Paris when I was 3, and Paris for London when I was 9; I was slightly French and slightly British. My producer father was far too proud of how well I spoke French, and overwhelmed me with so much love and approval that I felt he owned me. I viewed husbands as dominant fathers, guards who fed and housed you, dressed you according to their taste, and expected you to obey. I didn’t want one of those, I wanted a transcendent complicity.
This story is from the April 2017 edition of Harper's Bazaar Malaysia.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 8,500+ magazines and newspapers.
Already a subscriber ? Sign In
This story is from the April 2017 edition of Harper's Bazaar Malaysia.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 8,500+ magazines and newspapers.
Already a subscriber? Sign In
SkyHIGH
Crystal Woo takes a city sojourn at the new Inter-Continental Bangkok Sukhumvit.
The Grandmaster OF ROMANCE
No one captures the language of love as achingly beautiful as filmmaker Wong Kar-Wai.
Winner's CIRCLE
Meet the five laureates of the 2023 Rolex Awards for Enterprise.
My life, my style
Romantic details and playful accents abound in the elegant Edinburgh home of the cult accessories designer Leeanne Hundleby.
Going GREEN
TAG Heuer continues to lead the world of smartwatches, now with the latest Connected Calibre E4 in a fresh new hue.
Fathoms ABOVE
Last year's successful Blancpain X Swatch collab now welcomes a new addition, in honour of an ocean of the celestial kind.
Endless SUMMER
Richard Mille offers a colourful new collection inspired by the breezy yet rebellious spirit of Memphis Design.
THE WAU FACTOR
From golden hibiscus to anyaman motifs, Cartier injects notes of Malaysiana into its newly reopened store in Pavilion Kuala Lumpur.
BEAUTY queen
South Korean actor Han So-Hee unveils her 2024 goals and favourite Dior Beauty picks.
Trend of LIPS
We're in an era of wellness that focuses on healthy beauty. Before colour came the importance of nourishing and embracing the natural beauty of the lips.