I became acutely aware that my life was stuck in the ‘in between’ one Tuesday afternoon when I received a gift from a friend in the post. Two oyster shells, still smelling of the sea and lacquered with gold foil, to be used as salt and pepper dishes. They’re beautiful. But I wrapped them back up in their pink paper. Like me, they’re in limbo, waiting to come into their own and establish themselves in a real home, one day.
Most of my things are in storage as I lodge with my boyfriend Mark at his family friend Brenda’s home while she’s living abroad. Just writing that makes me anxious, reminding me of the tenuous reality of my situation. I gave up my beloved but-too-small flat so we could cohabit during lockdown(s), so I sit by someone else’s fireplace, surrounded by their art and bathe in their tub. I’m technically at home, but also not: I’m living in the shadow of my future home as my partner and I try to buy our first one together.
T S Eliot wrote in his poem, The Hollow Men: ‘Between the idea / And the reality / Between the motion / And the act / Falls the Shadow.’ I lurk in this shadow in my relationship, as well as in my living situation. We met on Tinder – retro, I know – and started dating four months before the pandemic hit. Despite being together for a year and a half, we’ve never attended a work event together, never been clubbing, nor to a wedding or gig. Our relationship has existed in the spaces in between lockdowns, tiers and travel restrictions. Oh, and just when it seemed I couldn’t catapult my life any further into the sea of uncertainty,
This story is from the October 2021 edition of ELLE Singapore.
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This story is from the October 2021 edition of ELLE Singapore.
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