Didn't You Hear What I Just Said?

Failing to listen and to be heard is a scourge of modern life. In this extract author Kate Murphy explains how to listen properly and why it matters

- Kate Murphy

Lead the conversation, stand out from the crowd, be heard.

It’s the golden rule for anyone who wants to get ahead in life so at work, home, on social media and at parties we all talk over each other. But we aren’t listening – and nobody is listening to us.

The result? It’s making us lonelier, more isolated and less tolerant than ever before. In short, we aren’t doing ourselves or anyone else any favors. In this extract from a fascinating new book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, American writer Kate Murphy explains why it’s vital you stop talking and start listening.

WHEN was the last time you listened to someone? Really listened, without thinking about what you wanted to say next, glancing down at your phone or jumping in to offer your opinion?

And when was the last time someone really listened to you? Was so attentive to what you were saying and whose response was so spot-on that you felt truly understood?

In modern life, we’re encouraged to listen to our hearts, listen to our inner voices and listen to our guts, but rarely are we encouraged to listen carefully to other people.

Instead, we’re engaged in a dialogue of the deaf, often talking over one another at cocktail parties, work meetings, and even family dinners. But in the process, we miss so much.

Real listening isn’t about sitting passively and allowing someone else to ramble on. Quite the opposite. It’s an active process – it’s not only hearing what people say but also paying attention to how they say it and what they do while they’re saying it and how what they say resonates within you.