The Last Feminist Taboo

We’re constantly fighting for equality—at work, in relationships, out in the world. So why does it ignite a deep rage within us when we’re told that we women also get the privilege of paying alimony?

- Jessica Pressler

Last year, Andrea, 37, and her husband decided to end their marriage. It wasn’t easy. They’d been together for 17 years and had two small children. But over time, a collection of grievances and resentments had piled up under their marriage like tinder. Add to that the pressure of living in New York City: “Two working parents, no family nearby,” Andrea points out. “Things were bound to blow up.”

For at least a year, the couple tried to reconcile their differences. They read books and articles, and logged countless hours on the tear-sodden couches of various therapists. But nothing worked, and finally, they were tired.

As agonizing as making the decision was, it was also a relief to agree on something; when I spoke to Andrea a few months later, she and her soon-to-be ex had reached a level of equanimity. “He’s a good person; I’m a good person,” she said. “I just think we’ve changed.”

Once they’d made the decision—or, rather, “called it,” as Andrea said, “like on a medical drama when someone’s dead”—things moved quickly. Determined to keep the situation amicable for their kids, they made an appointment at a friendly-seeming mediation office, one with child psychologists on staff who specialize in helping families navigate the complex emotional territory of divorce.

While it can’t be said that Andrea and her husband felt good walking into their Upper West Side facility, at least they felt in control. That is, until the mediators asked them to sit down and draw up a budget. “We were like, ‘Okay, fifty-fifty,” Andrea recalled. “And then it became clear, right away, there’s going to be a huge deficit on his side every month.”