Ikea is a beautiful place. Restorative. Balm to the soul. A sanctuary for me

YouGov, which you might have thought would be otherwise occupied as byelection season comes upon us, has released the results of a poll on which swearwords people in the UK find most-to-least offensive.

- Lucy Mangan

Monday

I shall not go into details here in a family newspaper. Suffice it to say, the one you would expect is in first position and "arse" is - ahem - bringing up the rear.

But all such crude terms! And so unnecessary. I am reminded of a post I once saw on social media by a reverent American who had been here for some time and become deeply enamoured of, and awed by, the ability of Brits to express their feelings of rage, frustration, disappointment and other emotions at the negative end of life's spectrum with simple intonation and the use of the formula: "You absolute" plus a "[heavily emphasised] ordinary noun". "You absolute 'nana" was the first he heard. "You absolute wombat," was another. But his favourite, never bettered, was "you absolute suitcase".

I am so, obscurely, proud of us.

Tuesday

Good news. A new male contraceptive has been shown in trials to be effective for two years so far. Experimental subjects, we salute you!

The contraceptive comprises a hydrogel that is delivered ("via a quick injection", according to its manufacturer's website) to the vas deferens to block all the little swimmers intent on finding a receptive female and her gametes and causing no end of trouble. The sperm back up behind the temporary blockage, wither and die. The hydrogel disperses and is absorbed over the years and fertility is restored.