The Suidlanders' Plan

I was trapping down the road to score a toasted sarmie when this darkie checked me skeef. I chooned him to catch a wake-up hey, but he sommer gooied me another skeef look. Like, lank skeef. That's when I knew the genocide was starting,

- Ben Trovato

said my neighbour.

So it's true, then. The uprising. The vengeance. The slaughter of the last white tribe of Africa. I couldn't rely on the United Nations to save me so I went home and connected to the interweb to see if anyone out there had a plan of action. A lot of people did, mainly involving shaven Asian girls, but then I found the Suidlanders.

Patriots to a man, they have already given advice to white people on what to do when the pressure cooker blows. Thing is, their website is entirely in Afrikaans.

When I was a child, my mother threatened to wash my mouth out with Jeyes Fluid if I spoke like Theunis Moolman from across the street.

Now look, mom. A whole infoportal giving us instructions on what to do when the anarchy happens and I can't understand a word of it.

Maybe it's deliberate. Maybe the Suidlanders don't want their muesli-munching deodorant-wearing compatriots swanning about the fortified enclosures quaffing flagons of gin and suggesting a round of polo with the war horses.

So, for those who would prefer to avoid being scalped and roasted over an open fire, but are unsure of what to do when the carnage begins, here are some handy pointers.

This is aimed largely at English-speakers but black Boers are welcome provided they sit quietly at the back and don't keep asking other people for cigarettes.

Unfortunately, the catchy name, "Suidlanders", is taken and I don't know what to call ourselves. Send me your suggestions. The best one wins a box of matches.