What to do if your child is targeted by a bully

Following recent incidents of school bullying, several parents wrote in to ST to ask for advice on how they can help their children if they are targeted by a bully or bullying someone.

- Sandra Davie

What counts as bullying? I was shocked and upset when my 11-year-old daughter was accused of bullying by her classmate's parents. She had a falling-out with a girl in her close-knit group and after that refused to include the girl in the group.

Bullying is a distinctive pattern of repeatedly and deliberately harming and humiliating others, specifically those who are smaller, weaker or in any way more vulnerable than the bully.

It can take many forms, including name-calling and making fun of others, online or cyberbullying, as well as physical ones. And, yes, deliberately excluding another child repeatedly is bullying and so is spreading rumors about someone.

Girls are just as likely as boys to be bullies. But they are far less likely to engage in physical bullying, and instead hurt others by damaging or manipulating their relationships, said Dr Carol Balhetchet, who studied bullying at the Singapore Children's Society where she worked for over 20 years.

They may spread false rumors about someone, tell others to stop liking someone in order to get even with him or her, engage in social exclusion, threaten to withdraw a friendship or give someone the silent treatment.

I was recently horrified to find out that my child has been bullying a classmate. It's not a serious case of bullying, but bullying nevertheless. What should I do?

Dr Balhetchet said parents may be tempted to dismiss the issue as just a little teasing or feel that it is natural for children to fight with one another. But they should look into the situation immediately.

She advised: "Don't treat bullying as a phase your child is going through. There are long-lasting effects on the bully as well."

She said parents should first talk to their child to find out why he or she is bullying, but without any accusation or judgment.