Win Every Fight You're In

Defuse the most dreadful situations with tips from these hostage experts.

- Jeff Wilser

All relationships—lovers, pals, the chick behind the counter at Starbucks—at some point on volve conflict. 

Yet here’s what’s odd: In school, we learned so much-the periodic table, algebra, how to make a baking soda volcano—but never how to argue. So we carry on like kids: “I’m taking my toys and going home!” It leads to breakups, bruised feelings, ruined friendships.

But there’s a better way: Just ask the NYPD’s Hostage Negotiation Team, which has developed a time-tested framework for dealing with conflict in any crisis. And if it can handle bomb threats and murderers, surely it can handle any dispute you might get into.

So, with guidelines adapted from their model, let’s try turning around this potentially nasty brawl:

YOUR GIRLFRIEND SAYS: “Motherfu—er. Last night was Friday night, but you went out and got drunk without telling me or even answering my texts?!”

What do you do?

1) Start a conversation that relays: “We’re in this together.” The NYPD has a motto: “Talk to me.” The goal: to make your counterpart comfortable enough to open up. It’s also called “active listening”—conversing in a way that says you’re open to hearing another person’s feelings: