Mission Critical

If you’re constantly castigating friends and family, you may be overlooking a truly tragic flaw.

- Martha Beck

“SHE HAS GOT TO stop dreaming and get a sensible job.”

“They barely discipline that kid—the whole family needs some tough love.”

“Doesn’t he know smoking kills?”

If you have critical thoughts like these, you’re not alone: Most of us silently judge other people, at least occasionally. Some folks, however, don’t keep their judgment so silent, offering their opinion to every misguided soul they believe could benefit. If you’re one of those people, I have some feedback for you: (1) Your criticism is actually making things worse, and (2) criticizing is hypocritical.

Most psychologists tell us there’s a place for constructive criticism, and that place is work. If we’re talking about criticizing friends and family, the professional consensus boils down to one word: don’t. Research shows that criticism wreaks havoc on trust and love. Psychologist and relationship guru John Gottman, PhD, based on his observations of married couples, named criticism as the first of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that predict divorce with more than 80 percent accuracy. (FYI, the other three are contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.) According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, PhD, our brains may interpret criticism as a threat to our survival, activating the fight-or-flight reflex. In other words, your loved one is likely to lash out or run ILLUSTRATIONS BY Jasu Hu away instead of calmly listening to your advice.