The Happy-Marriage Tricks Anyone Can Learn

You know how sometimes you know what’s best for your partner, and if only he’d do it, you’d both be better off? Here’s how to make that happen (but please, try to use your new power for good).

- Allison Sweet Grant And Adam Grant

OUR FIRST DATE ALMOST DIDN’T RESULT in a second date. When Adam opened the door, Allison couldn’t figure out why he was dressed like a teenager on his way to the gym. Then she found out he did magic tricks. Strike two.

In any relationship, there are dealbreakers. Smoking. Doing CrossFit. Chewing too loudly. But what about the things that are tolerable but still in serious need of improvement? There are times when you know what’s best for your partner. That requires you to master the art of persuasion.

Allison managed to see past the wardrobe dysfunction and accept a second date. Soon she was hinting that Adam should throw out all his ratty conference T-shirts. He refused. So then she asked if he would please get rid of just one— the worst one. He agreed.

Psychologists call that the door-in-the face: You make a big ask, it gets denied, and then you follow up with a smaller request. Adam felt guilty saying no twice in a row, and ditching one shirt seemed like a remarkably reasonable thing to do. And that yes became a foot in the door for Allison. Once Adam had agreed to dump one shirt, he felt silly holding on to a few others. Pretty soon he was running low on shirts. And then she was in.

Allison started buying new (better) shirts. After a couple of years, Adam’s entire wardrobe had been replaced. It was like the ship of Theseus, where you replace one plank at a time until you’ve swapped out every one of the original pieces. Is it the same ship? Adam definitely wasn’t the same schlub.