Negotiate Your Way To A Better Relationship

Compromise, as a tool for a happy marriage, is overrated— it’s actually negotiation you need to master. Here’s how to do it for maximum wedded bliss.

- Allison Sweet Grant And Adam Grant

IF YOU’RE LIKE MOST MARRIED COUPLES, you probably have fallen into a pattern of who does which household task—one of you does the laundry, the other shops for groceries. This almost always leaves at least one of you miserable: Hey, how’d I get stuck with the litter box?

You could turn your decisions over to strangers, which is actually not as crazy as it sounds. Classic evidence shows that compared with dating couples, people who just met negotiate deals that are better for both sides. People in love are more likely to rush into a compromise that leaves nobody with what they want; strangers take the time to learn about each other’s interests and work together to create mutually beneficial agreements.

As a married couple, we think it’s a shame that so many negotiations turn out poorly. So what if we told you that you could negotiate better with the person you love (instead of grabbing strangers off the street to choose who should stop for milk)? One of us happens to be a negotiation professor and the other has to negotiate with him. So we’ve spent the past 13 years trying to figure out if it’s possible to negotiate with your beloved without ruining your marriage.

And it is—if you have some tricks up your sleeve and know when to use them. Like, if you think your partner has terrible taste, you want to make sure you win. Maybe you’re picking out the couch, the location for your next vacation, or—if you’re us—a baby name…

ALLISON: I’ve always loved “Gertrude.”

ADAM: That was ancient in 1842.

ALLISON: “Gertie” is cute. “Gertrude” can be the formal name.

ADAM: Gross.

ALLISON: Okaaaay…how about “Natalie”?