Dating & Mating With Esther Perel

Why Small Spats Cause Big Trouble

Tiny, recurring jabs—for, say, not emptying the dishwasher—or mini arguments about things like your work hours can create a tear in your bond that, if you keep at it, will only grow over time. Couples who engage in this kind of destructive communication are at a much higher risk of having a stressful connection.

Unlike a cheating scandal or a blowout fight— acute problems that you immediately know need fixing—bickering is chronic, constant, low-impact warfare (most often about daily hassles) that doesn’t sound a loud alarm. Because of this, couples prone to verbal sparring can stay together a long time, although both people often feel underappreciated or like they can’t do anything right. 

Follow these steps to ensure you and your partner don’t go down that road.

BEWARE THE BIAS 

First, it’s important to understand that if you and your partner squabble, it’s likely that one or both of you have a slanted view—or a perception bias—of your relationship. You may be coming from a place where you believe your union is unfair and that you “care more” than your mate does (or vice versa). Therefore, you tend to focus on the negative things they do that reinforce that bias, while minimizing the positives that contradict it.