Playboy Advisor

We’re thrilled to present this issue’s special guest Advisor: world-renowned therapist and author Esther Perel. Read on as she tackles your questions about fantasies, fidelity, foreplay and much more.

Q: I’m a woman in my early 20s, in a relationship with a man in his mid-40s. I’m not concerned about the age difference, but the financial difference is dramatic. I live paycheck to paycheck; he makes seven figures a year. Whenever he takes me out, I can’t afford to go 50-50. As a feminist, I feel infantilized having an older man pay for everything. How can I feel like I’m contributing equally?

A: Contribution is about value; it’s not only about dollars. You may not be able to afford a fancy meal, but you can invite him over and cook, no matter how small your space, or you can say, “There’s a nice taco truck down the street.” Evenings like those can be just as exotic and fun as dinner at a Michelinstarred restaurant. It’s about the gesture with which you say, “I too can contribute to our relationship. I love to give you things, even if it’s not half the check.”

Egalitarianism isn’t always symmetry; complementarity and fairness are the goals here. So whatever you do, don’t let the discrepancy between your bank accounts keep you from taking any initiative because you think that what you have to offer isn’t equal in amount. It’s equal in meaning. (For his part, don’t forget that he knows who he picked.)

You mention you’re a feminist. What I make of that is that somebody may have told you that an older man shouldn’t be paying your way. That’s a ready-made idea. Why can’t a feminist be taken care of by a man— or a woman, for that matter? It doesn’t mean you don’t have your own means. And you’re in your early 20s; this is a developmental situation translated into an ideological one. (When you’re 46 we’ll discuss it again.) I wish for you to find myriad ways to express your identity, your feminist ideas and your feelings for this man.