I cheated on my wife with a redhead named Wendy. Her place was just a couple of miles away. She was always smiling when I pulled up. She gave me exactly what I wanted. Every time I left, I swore I wouldn’t come back.
Wendy was my favorite, but she wasn’t my only one. Sometimes I went across town for a quickie with a guy in a clown suit named Ronald.
Fast food is my deepest addiction. Since I was 16 and got my first car, I’ve spent endless hours idling in drive-through lanes, waiting to trade my money for my fix. I did some deeply depressing calculations and figured out that I’ve spent at least $30 a week on fast food for the last 35 years. That comes to somewhere around $55,000, enough for a bass boat or a new kitchen, with some leftover to stash in the bank. Instead, I have invested it in Big Macs and big pants. If you’re addicted to anything and want to get one solid measure of how much it has hurt your life, do the math.
Next time you go to a fast-food joint, take a slow walk around the parking lot. You’ll find the spaces filled with customers eating in their cars. That’s where the junkies hang out. Alone in your car, you can get the Double Whopper and the onion rings and the chocolate shake, and nobody knows but the cashier who hands you the bag. Every car I’ve owned has ended up with salt in the cracks of the passenger seat and leftover napkins in the glove box.
One time I was in the drive-through and called out my regular order. “I’ll have a number two combo, medium-sized, with a Dr. Pepper, and—”
The cashier cut in. “And a junior bacon, right?”
“Right.”
Wait, what?
I was at the anonymous fast-food joint, ordering in the most anonymous way possible. But I went there so often that the cashier knew what I wanted just from hearing my voice. I’d become a regular.
This story is from the March 2020 edition of Reader's Digest US.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 8,500+ magazines and newspapers.
Already a subscriber ? Sign In
This story is from the March 2020 edition of Reader's Digest US.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 8,500+ magazines and newspapers.
Already a subscriber? Sign In
GOTCHA!
We asked for it: What's the best prank you ever pulled?
KITT THE COURAGEOUS K-9
Officer Bill Cushing needed a partner. His dog needed a purpose. Together, they rescued each other.
Let's Dance!
It's good for your body, soul and even your brain
DISASTER ON THE RIVER
Two canoeists struggle to keep themselves and their friendship-afloat
WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL THE STUFF WE RETURN
Think your rejects go back on the shelves? Think again.
Words to Live By
Poems offered me an anchor as I lost my son, so I shared them
LOST, FOUND, HOMEWARD BOUND
A collection of heart-thumping, tail-wagging, zoomies-inducing pet reunion tales
Paging Dr. AI
IF YOU'VE EVER Googled symptoms (and who hasn't?), you've probably scared yourself with a dire diagnosis, with no doctor there to vet the source and put the information in context. But we can't help ourselves. So can AI help?
The HEALTHY WELLNESS FROM THEHEALTHY.COM
A vaccine is finally on the way. In the meantime, here's how to protect yourself from ticks.
How to Speak Like a Midwesterner
FROM THE BOOK A GUIDE TO MIDWESTERN CONVERSATION