Manners & Misdemeanors
Town & Country|May 2018
Manners & Misdemeanors

She’s married to one of the last men left on morning network television. Their dirty little secret? A happy marriage. 

Ali Wentworth

I am one of those women who like to talk. About anything. Someday, riddled with senility, I’ll just talk to myself and wear a shower cap to the grocery store, but for now I like an audience. I also like gatherings, because they encompass two of my favorite things: food and conversation. The best is a ladies’ lunch. Not my mother’s ladies’ lunch; I probably should not use the word ladies. I don’t wish to sit around dressed in tweed, eating cucumber on white bread and discussing how trendy Talbots has become. I like it when a group of my girlfriends and I get together, preferably at my house so that I can make Ina Garten’s infamous chocolate cake and linguine with clams (which I don’t trust at restaurants), and go deep. Sure, a little “Who does your Botox?” or “Where do you buy those softsheets?” can be sprinkled in at the beginning, but I also want us to speak honestly about the realities of being women, mothers, and wives. I want to know if you wake up covered in sweat, can have an orgasm without equipment, or are convinced you have an undiagnosed infectious disease. If you’re content with your life choices or terrified of your mortality.

I’ve never been shy about expressing my thoughts, much to the horror of my parents, who were constantly covering their ears with their hands and whispering, “This too shall pass.” I’ll regale my kids’ bus driver, Otto, with my story of having to snap a chicken’s neck when I was a teenager living on a farm in Nowheresville, Spain, or say something naughty on a late night talk show. Some of my most existential conversations have been conducted with the posse of strangers I see at the dog park every day.

However, there’s one topic that induces panic. When I hear words like marriage and spouse, I start to sweat. You see, I have a dirty little secret. A secret that keeps me from diving into some of the more titillating conversational waters.

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May 2018