Why Are Female Friendships So Complicated?

Gossiping, backstabbing, side-taking, alienating— ever launched or been hit by these weapons of friendship destruction? Find out what brings them out, and what you can do to keep them away.

Karen* is part of a close-knit group of six girls that have been friends since childhood. But there was a time when a wedge was driven into their group, causing their years-old bond to break. The reason behind the rift is no longer important, but how it happened is: two friends came head-to-head, sides were taken, grudges were nursed, rumors were spread, and attempts at reconciliation were completely seen-zoned—for years. Before you ask, no, they weren’t in high school then. They were in their mid-20s, tax-paying adults with cars and condos and serious partners.

When Karen  lamented about this gnawing rupture in her once-solid barkada to her boyfriend, he didn’t seem that bothered by the root of the rift at all. Instead, he scoffed, “We’re this old and there’s still drama?”

“I wondered if we were being petty and were blowing up the issue to be bigger than it was,” Karen admitted. “My boyfriend said it wasn’t something he and his male friends would have gotten up in arms about.”

Karen’s barkada dramarama is not a rare phenomenon. This raises the question: Why are female friendships more fraught with drama compared to male friendships?

AGGRESSION A LA FEMALE

According to Suzy Roxas (talktosuzyroxas.com), a counselor and expert on gender issues in the workplace, women tend to be subtler and sneakier when addressing conflict with their fellow females, a reaction that is borne out of gendered cultural expectations. “Women are expected to be nice, sweet, caring, docile, and not to fight confrontationally,” she says. “As a whole, Filipinos do not fight confrontationally; however the women tend to use a lot of triangulation, which means taking sides rather than focusing on issues.”