Hands off

If Dublin's most famous fishmonger, Molly Malone, were alive-alive-o, a lot of handsy tourists would be sporting black eyes - or worse.

- Jane Clifton

The Irish capital's council has resolved to hire wardens to guard the honour of the ballad heroine's bronze sculpture because so many people cannot resist groping her cleavage. Despite regular no-touch pleas and reminders about respect for women, the mauling continues unabated.

It has somehow come to be regarded as good luck to cop a feel. The bronzing has deteriorated, leaving the figure strobing a starkly shiny embonpoint - even though she is thought to have been advertising only her cartloads of fresh cockles and mussels.

Restoration of her frontispiece will cost thousands of euros, as likely will the security detail.